How you feeling? Nobody knows

When considering others’ motives, we don’t know what we don’t know

“Have you ever noticed when you’re driving that anyone who’s driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone driving faster than you is a maniac!”

— George Carlin

We tend to use different criteria when we judge ourselves and when we judge others. We judge ourselves by looking inward, weighing our thoughts, feelings, intentions and motives. Our thoughts are with us all the time, and they often help us rationalize our actions. But we don’t have access to another person’s thoughts and feelings. So we tend to judge them simply by their actions. We can’t know their thoughts and feelings. If we knew, their perplexing behavior might seem more reasonable to us.

Steven Covey tells a story of riding on a quiet, peaceful subway car one Sunday morning when a man and his children entered. The kids were loud and rambunctious, throwing things, grabbing people’s papers. The man sat down with his eyes closed, apparently oblivious to the situation. After several minutes of chaos, Steven turned and gently said, “Sir, your children are really disturbing a lot of people. I wonder if you couldn’t control them a little more?”

The man came out of his daze and said softly, “Oh, you’re right. I guess I should do something about it. We just came from the hospital where their mother died about an hour ago. I don’t know what to think, and I guess they don’t know how to handle it either.” Steven’s irritation immediately turned to compassion.

The way our brain is structured, we tend to believe we see the world accurately, based on our best observation and reasoning. When we run across people whose views and political opinions conflict with ours, we simply believe they are wrong. We believe if we could just reason with them, they would change. But if they have full access to the same information we have, and they don’t change their views, there is a profound disconnect. We believe we can’t trust them. If they can’t see what is plainly clear to us, they must be stupid or bad.

But that other person’s brain also believes that they see the world accurately based on their best observation and reasoning. And I don’t have access to all of the thinking and feeling inside their minds. I don’t even have access to all of the thinking and feeling inside my mind.

It seems that everyone believes their political beliefs are rational, correct and based on analysis.

There is a fascinating study about high gas prices. Who should be blamed?

When gas went up during the George W. Bush presidency, Republicans said the president has little control over gas prices and should not be blamed.

Democrats said the president has a lot of control and should be blamed. When gas prices went up during the Obama presidency, the opinions flipped. Democrats excused the president and Republicans blamed him.

When issues are complicated, like the price of oil and gas, two different people can find rational reasons to support their opposite views.

When you think about what you want for your life, your community, your nation and the world, you bring your best intentions to bear. You want things to be better. You want people to thrive.

Don’t assume that others’ intentions are different from your own. They want things to be better, too.

Here’s one of my favorite quotes from a wonderful book and resource, “Forgiveness: How to Make Peace with Your Past and Get on With Your Life” by Sidney and Suzanne Simon:

“For the most part, each and every one of us is doing the best we can with the insight, resources, and emotional nourishment available to us. If we had more conscious awareness of what makes us tick, more information and alternatives available to us, different life experiences, more love, support and encouragement, we could have done better. And we would have.”

At my best, I try to frame my thoughts and feelings about people with whom I disagree around that quote. For the most part, they really are doing the best they can, given their own insight, resources and emotional nourishment throughout their lives. And few of us have much conscious awareness of what makes us tick. Some people live with much misinformation and few available alternatives. Some have oppressive life experiences. Most of us have needed more love, support and encouragement. We all could have done better. And each of us is probably doing the best we can, given our circumstances.

If we can keep this perspective in mind — perhaps especially around others with whom we don’t normally spend time — it might be easier to afford them the grace we all need at one time or another.

Lowell Grisham is a retired Episcopal priest who lives in Fayetteville. Email him at [email protected].